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How Organized is Your
Listening?
By Martin Brossman of
CoachingSupport.com
We think a lot about what to say and how to say it. In fact,
in conversation, we usually concentrate on what to say instead
of listening to the other person. It is common to focus on
improving how we speak and there are great programs such as
Toastmasters to train us to speak more effectively. The area
that we may have neglected is how to listen. As a fish is
unaware of the water it swims in, we are often unaware of our
failure to focus on listening. It is apparent that many of us
need to organize our minds for listening.
Do you consider how listening to people
in different contexts can impact you? Two negative situations
will illustrate. In my course "Listening that Makes a
Difference", I ask people if they have ever been around an
extremely critical person who, without even speaking, has
affected their ability to speak or express themselves. At the
other extreme, I ask if they have ever felt that another
person is annoyed by their speaking since it prevents the
other person’s speaking and in fact no listening is occurring.
In both cases the other party is affected adversely. In a
positive direction, have you ever noticed that in the presence
of certain people you think more creatively or solve problems
faster? This is achieved in large part by how they organize
their listening toward you!
A great way
to find out how you listen is to examine your
motives. What are you
listening for? Ask yourself, "Do I listen to others to
evaluate success or failure?" Or another way to explore how
you listen is ask yourself, "Do I listen to prove I am correct
or prove the other is wrong?" You may be shocked to find that
the context of your listening impacts strongly on what you
hear and learn.
You cannot
organize your listening effectively unless you are clear in
what you are committed to in the conversation. Organizing
yourself with a clear commitment to unbiased listening allows
you to truly understand others and at the same time express
yourself. As a Life & Business Coach I need to listen in a way
that is open to possibilities for the person but also aware of
where they are right now in their lives. I also listen for
what is missing, which if added would make a profound
difference in moving toward their goal. I organize my own
listening to understand the objectives of my clients and focus
on assisting them reaching those objectives. Listening from
the perspective that I want them to like me, or be impressed
by me, would not make me an effective coach. I listen for what
the client’s needs are and how can they be achieved. It may
involve compassion, flexibility, less flexibility, more
assertiveness, or even less assertiveness.
Sometimes we
can listen too intensely or maybe not critically enough. For
example, in a social event or party, a lighter form of
listening would be appropriate. However, if you were listening
as a consultant for critical data to make an analysis, the
idea of lighter listening would be very inappropriate. In some
cases intensive listening without response is needed. For
example, someone may continually bring up the same issue,
needing to have another person simply listen and understand.
In all cases listening should be beneficial. Or a parent may
focus solely on a child’s misbehavior, listening for what is
wrong. Focusing on listening for what the child had done well
can be positive for both.
Executives
have a special need to listen and many times they don’t
understand the way they are listening. In fact by the nature
of their positions they have the most need to listen. They
are surrounded by people of wide-ranging capabilities and
knowledge who can contribute and want to contribute. This
asset is often underutilized. At the same time the executive’s
ability to listen inspires loyalty and encourages others to
contribute. Can you remember the last time you were truly
heard and what affect it had on you?
How do you
organize your listening in different situations in your life?
Is it aligned with your commitment or not? Are you clear what
you are committed to in that situation? You may find that some
of the upsets and suffering are more optional then required
when you re-examine how you organize your listening. Be
versatile in listening and maybe you will hear some things you
did not expect!
Martin
Brossman has been a Life & Business Coach for over 10 years
and is the Director of
CoachingSupport.com . Find information about a
comprehensive presentation of
"Listening that Makes a Difference" on his website
www.coachingsupport.com. Martin can be reached at
martin@coachingsupport.com or (919) 847-4757.
Click here to see the presentation
"Listening that Makes a Difference"
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