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“I
Coach People to Be Unreasonable”
by Conrad Joseph
A conversation with Martin
Brossman about the concept of the life and business coach, the
importance of discovering your purpose or calling in life, and
the urgency of following your dream.
To get
things rolling, briefly, what is coaching?
It’s a
tool to gain clarity and results in our business goals or in
our personal life and to move forward faster than on our own.
Coaching helps us to enjoy both the journey and the arrival.
How
does coaching differ from therapy?
Therapy
often deals with the past, resolving painful issues from
childhood or youth. Coaching does not address these deep
emotional traumas, but as client’s experience some of the life
changes that coaching can cause, it is sometimes seen that
many issues may drop away. Coaching is focused on finding
tools and skills for creating a better future, reaching the
goals you set. It is not by any means a replacement for
therapy. Some clients work with coaching in conjunction with
therapy. Some who seek coaching may actually need therapy, and
a good coach should recognize this within a couple of
sessions.
Likewise,
some of the people who seek therapy may actually need
coaching. In some cases the ideal sequence is for coaching to
come after therapy, because a client has the emotional static
out of the way and can really focus, which is vital in
coaching. Also, whereas therapy sometimes needs to be
open-ended, in coaching the client sets the priorities and the
boundaries.
What
would you say is the value of coaching, then?
The client
says, “This is what I want to accomplish. This is where I
would like to go, but I’m held back in some way.” If a client
is not sure what goals or dreams s/he wants to pursue, which
is a problem for a lot of people, then coaching helps come up
with a clear and definite goal, a personal mission statement.
Then the client is coached on a range of ways to take action
on his or her mission. Without taking action, you see, the
dream remains a dream, a fantasy, a wish. When we begin to
take action on our dreams, then there is movement. It’s no
longer a wish. There may be trial and error as part of that
movement, but it’s a well-calculated risk. The coach’s job is
to help the client take risks wisely. A champion athlete does
not get the gold by taking one big risk but by a series of
small ones. That's what a good coach helps you do. Like the
sports coach, a coach in the game of life gets behind the
client a hundred percent, supporting him/her in achieving that
dream, rooting all the way, bringing objective, constructive
feedback geared to improve performance. It’s all geared to
make you a winner in your life.
Okay,
I’m a cynical guy who says, “Only losers need a coach.” What’s
your response to that?
Well, if
we stick to the sports coach analogy, the fact is that all
winners have a coach, and those coaches are paid very, very
well for their services. All the top league teams have
coaches. I grant you there may be one or two top performers,
like Federer, who may go far without a coach, but who's to say
that he couldn’t improve his with the help of an expert coach?
Anyway, the exceptions prove the rule. Winners and would-be
winners have coaches. A life coach serves a similar function
for us in the game of life.
Life is complex. We all lose direction
from time to time. So this is not about being a “loser” but
about getting your focus, amid all the stuff that life is
throwing up at you. Before you know it, it’s all over, you’re
on your deathbed full of regret. I want that the deathbed
scenario is more like, “Well, I knocked a few good ones outta
the park.” I deeply believe we are all entitled to that in the
end.
It’s a
good point. Let me add, that in life, as in love, it is better
to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all. . ..
I read somewhere that the coaching profession can be seen as
an opportunity for regular citizens to take advantage of what
has long been available to celebrities in sports, movies and
politics. So it’s really not such a new thing.
Yes.
Coaching has been around for a long time, under different
names. We called them mentors or friends or advisors. Watson,
the founder of IBM, made sure to keep advisors around that
would "give it to him straight" versus "yes men." These people
served a very similar function to a life coach. Today coaching
is a more formalized role. Having a good coach is a way of
making sure I don’t settle for mediocrity or become a loser.
Rather, I have someone on my side ready to push me to my
fullest potential. We all can use that. As with the sports
coach, it is worth paying good money for. Good coaching can be
priceless.
The
comparison to the sports coach really makes your point. What
would you say is another value for the client?
The client
is taught to draw on his or her environment in a way that
supports the goal. By this I mean the client does not rely on
the coach forever and ever. A coach does not coach us in
dependency. A good coach’s aim is to develop the client to the
point where the coach is not needed anymore.
Seems
to me that if a person gets dynamic help to raise the bar in
their life, they may find a coach such an asset that they want
to keep it working with one, albeit for different goals.
Yes, some
people will think it unwise to stop a good thing, but it is
important to know that from the coach’s standpoint, it’s not
about dragging out the relationship. It’s about giving value
and getting results. If a client opts to stay on, it’s because
of getting results, not coming under the spell of the coach’s
personality.
Anyway,
besides reaching set goals through the coaching experience,
the client also learns to draw support from the environment in
an ongoing way, long after coaching is over. Clients develop a
greater awareness of their inner compass and learn to keep
themselves motivated and proactive about their dreams. They
learn to get the needed support from friends and family; they
learn to avoid or minimize the company of those who don’t give
them solid support; they learn to become attuned to the places
and activities that give them the energy and support for
attaining their dreams. As they learn to become single-minded
about their dreams whatever is not supporting their dream
naturally falls away from their lives,.
“Life
is what happens while we are making plans,” John Lennon
observed, but you help us to get our plans to coincide with
our lives. That’s what I’m hearing from you.
I get
people to be in action on their dreams. If I fail to do that,
my coaching has failed
I
think a life or business coach, as opposed to talk therapy, is
quite active in dispensing advice, too, isn’t it? They listen,
but therapists don’t really get too committed about giving
advice, seems a coach rolls up his sleeve and takes the wheel
as far as that goes. Am I right?
You make a good point there. Of course,
just listening has its value too, but a coach has a slightly
different focus, even if there is some overlap with what I do
and what the therapist does. My task is about getting tangible
results. I collaborate with my client and like the sports
coach, I am not hesitant to say “Consider this, try this,
don’t do that one anymore, and what do you think about going
this?” I’m not hesitant to get people to confront the lack of
fulfillment in their lives and get involved with how to go
from where they are to where they want to be. Generally,
therapists don’t do that. They listen to you. And you may or
may not achieve clarity about your purpose in life, but if you
take action or not, that’s not the therapists responsibility.
I am aware
that a lot of people don’t feel fulfilled in their lives. They
are lucky to feel even a bit satisfied, usually. I used to be
one of those people, but all that has changed for me. Now, I
believe with a passion, that we are entitled to have a taste
of fulfillment, a tasted of the extra-ordinary. I believe in
the pursuit of real feelings of happiness, and not just shadow
happiness.
Shadow
happiness?
That’s
what I call the sense of relief that we feel if we are not in
serious trouble with creditors or the taxman and not going
through a divorce. Many people mistake this for happiness;
it’s only the absence of misery. Many people think that’s a
big enough achievement, staying out of trouble, being “decent”
folks. It’s really mediocrity, if you think about it.
We try
not to think too hard about it, I’d say. And we get so good at
not thinking about it, that we don’t even realize we are doing
that to ourselves, settling for less. And since most people
around us are doing the same, we are comforted by that. “I am
normal.” Erich Fromm had a name for that, the peril of
normalcy, something like that. I forget his exact wording, but
that’s close.
That’s
really true; but on some level we know we are repressing,
which is another way of saying “deceiving ourselves.”
Your
point about the lack of fulfillment strikes a chord. According
to polls, a solid 83% of the American people are dissatisfied
with their jobs, which take up 8 hours of their day. That’s
half our waking hours. And the divorce rate is 50% or more, so
the rest of the day is not so great, either. We are trying to
be normal and are pretty much unhappy campers, yet we tend to
believe that the only alternative to normalcy is insanity.
I
disagree. I think another alternative is extraordinary. Why be
‘normal’ when I can just as well script an extraordinary life
for myself?
I
like that. I never thought of it in those terms before. You
have choices, right? You have nutty and normal, which is
really mediocre, and you have extraordinary. You decide which
one your life is about. That’s brilliant.
Thank you.
It’s not a fact that if you are not going to be normal, then
your only other choice is nutty. Extra-ordinary is available.
It’s your call. Work it out. If you can’t pull it off,
whatever the reason, then let a coach help you over the
hurdles.
You
make is sound, well, extra-ordinarily simple.
In a sense
it is simple. Just as you can equate normal with mediocre, you
can equate extraordinary with fulfillment. Normal people are
getting by, but they are not fulfilled. A life coach or a
business coach is for the person who wants more than normalcy,
wants fulfillment, wants the extraordinary life.
We all
have ways of not really confronting the lack of fulfillment
gnawing at us. We opiate ourselves in various ways. We
overeat, we overplay, we overspend, we have serial
relationships that are hollow in the center, we do drugs or
booze, or both. Most of all, we rationalize; we justify our
mediocrity as a virtue.
Yes.
Rationalizing is the way we keep our eyes averted from the
reality. As a coach, I do my best to get my client to break
through the rationalizations and face that lack of
fulfillment. I do it compassionately. Then I work with him or
her to develop strategies to move forward, to dust themselves
off and get back in the race. And I do give advice, but I’m
not authoritarian about that. We do something, it works, fine.
It doesn’t, we discard it, take another approach.
That
reminds me of Bruce Lee. The core of his martial arts
philosophy was “Use whatever works: Discard whatever doesn’t.”
Sounds like you teach this.
Without
fail, I’m my client’s advocate for living a life he or she
loves. We work together to keep on tweaking it and tweaking it
until we discover the most workable strategy for my client and
the particular situation he or she is in. As Tony Robbins is
fond of saying, “People like to do what they always did, but
then they keeping getting the same results they always got.
So, don’t change your goals, change your strategy.”
One
problem I have in my life, whenever I come across the
question, “What do you want to do when you grow up? What’s
your ultimate dream?” That kind of question, I usually go
blank. I have a lot of desires, but none of them feel like
ultimate dream stuff. I may come up with something, but after
a few days, it’s just not something I feel sold out and
convinced about. Do you get clients with that sort of problem?
Probably
fifty percent of the time.
So, how
do you handle that? I know you can help the person who already
has an idea, has a goal, but may be sidestepping it for some
reason. As you say, you get them to confront that, but what
about a person like me, just unable to fix on a goal?
I have
ways of questioning you to get you to sort yourself out. I
have ways to examine your life to see if perhaps you are
already living your purpose but didn’t recognize it. When we
get that big question answered, then I help you frame it into
a “mission” statement. The next step is to come up with ways
to get in action on your mission. Ways to get you living your
mission. If you lose momentum, I’m there to get you back on
track
I have
to tell you, “Mission Statement” is another one of those
overworked terms we get in our society about every six months.
I dread a mission statement to my bones.
It’s
a cliché, I know. If you come up with a replacement, fine, but
let me say this: Philosophers have spent lifetimes on the
question of life’s purpose; and will probably spend lifetimes
more, but while they work that out, the most tangible purpose
we have right now is, “What is my contribution? What do I feel
passionate, more alive about?” Or another way to say it, “What
is my gift to leave behind when I go? What do I want my life
to be about?”
And I
don’t think this has to be necessarily a big thing. It could
be a small gift too. It could be that your purpose is to help
another person to deliver their gift; but whatever it is, I
believe it is personally fulfilling to you; it energizes you.
You are entitled to make your life be about that and nothing
else. The rest of stuff we do can be just necessary stuff.
Like breathing. Like going to the bathroom, that’s not a
purpose of life. That’s a necessity. Even eating is a
necessity, not a purpose, but the purpose of your life, that’s
the main event, the centerpiece.
It goes
beyond that. I believe, passionately, that if more people were
living their purpose, the nation would be less messed up; and
if more people in the world were living their purpose, the
world would be less messed up. The mess is owing to a lack of
purpose on an individual level, then a collective one. People
that love their lives don’t blow things up. They are creative,
not destructive.
Okay,
new point. The way you stress purpose and fulfillment, it
seems that some clients may find they have to move in an
entirely new direction by your coaching.
Coaching with Martin Brossman could mean not necessarily
making peace with what you already have going. It could mean
doing something really radical.
That’s
true. In some cases, the person discovers that “My life is
really about this or that,” and to get it will require major
change. It may be a new direction, yes, but it will be in the
direction of your dream, which perhaps has been long denied,
or just not in conscious awareness.
But for
some people, change is a scary thing to contemplate. It’s a
reason not to go near a coach. My life may get turned on its
head, no?
Yes, and
that’s understandable. Perhaps an up close look at your life
will lead to major changes, especially if the question of
fulfillment is the pivotal point. On the other hand, what’s to
be said for a life that’s not fulfilling, which is really the
whole point of all this effort to survive? Remember a coach is
very compassionate about this discovery and the heavy lifting
change may require. It’s not that it becomes like a poke in
the eye or something. You get coached through the changes.
It’s
the ages old story about how the unexamined life is not worth
living. At least coaching is there for anyone willing to risk
the change.
Yes. I
have had people come to me and discover a whole different
direction in life than anything they had going before, but
they also find that they are supercharged about this new
direction. I had people come to me only to discover
confirmation about where they are already heading. But in
almost every single case, we’d raise the bar, with my client’s
participation in that process.
Any
other value for the client?
I have
mentioned this already, but it bears repeating. Having a coach
means having a person on my side, who has an external or
objective perspective and who only has my agenda in mind.
While I may be too immersed in some part of my life to see the
overall picture my coach helps me stay focused by seeing the
whole picture from a distance and helps me process all the
data, not just take a narrow focus and keep my blind spots. He
or she helps by keeping me real about my potential. This means
I can have more access to my abilities, gifts, and
achievements, the ones that I just don’t see in that light or
don’t give myself credit for. Also, my coach is a mechanism
to make me think twice about my big decisions, rather than act
hastily.
Would
you agree, then, that a definition of a coach is a person
whose only concern is to bring out the best in us?
Definitely. Same role as the sports coach. A coach gets to
know you well enough for this purpose and only this purpose:
to bring out the best in you. That is a coach’s greatness. A
great man will impress you with what a great person he is, but
a great coach impresses you with what a great person you are.
It’s not that he does this by flattery and ego-stroking. A
coach will guide you to reframe how you look at yourself, and
will guide you to focus on your strengths, not your
weaknesses. A coach will not try to get a rabbit to swim and a
turtle to run. That’s a waste of time all around. An expert
coach will get the rabbit to run faster and the turtle to swim
faster. In the game of life we often lose this commonsense
approach.
What
inspired you to become a life and business coach?
After I
graduated from St. Andrews College, I joined IBM. While
technically oriented, I soon found that understanding clients’
issues and effectively dealing with them was much more
important than solely technical issues. This also lead to
informally coaching colleagues on their career paths. During
this time I was also assisting in an NLP course. One of the
students said, as he handed me an article clipping, "You’d
really be good at this, Martin. You are a natural at bringing
out the best in people and hearing who they really are.” I
read it, but I didn’t buy it at the time. I couldn’t see
coaching as a means of livelihood, but the door to my calling
was opened; and events urged me through it because, suddenly
nothing was working for me.
I wound up
with a coach. I gave him a long list of things I wanted to do
with my life. He wisely encouraged me to whittle it down to
one or two things and make these the focal points of my life.
"See if people will write you checks for doing these few
things that you love," he said. I focused on coaching because
nothing else was really fulfilling to me. In those days there
were no coaching certification programs. So, to break into the
field I set up a personal computer business to fund my
developing coaching business.
I
understand that you now have a coaching certification program.
Can you comment on that?
I call it Ki Coaching. Ki is the
Japanese word for chi, life force, the same vital energy that
is the focus of Chinese medicine. The Japanese martial art,
Aikido, is all about redirecting ki. As I practiced coaching,
I realized that I used a good deal of the Aikido concepts,
namely redirecting energy and resources, and that was highly
effective, so I call my style Ki Coaching. At the insistence
of one of the people I coached, I’ve developed a certification
program for people who want to learn Ki Coaching.
So the
persons who get certification through you, they can be coaches
too?
Yes. But that’s not the only reason to
take Ki Coaching. It’s training for an individual to have as
part of their toolkit for life. The course is not designed for
someone who has never experienced coaching, but for the
professional with some credentials and life experience, as
well. Perhaps he or she was already naturally following
coaching or already trained in some other system. For instance
a manager or supervisor, any kind of trainer or teacher, a
religious minister or clergyman, they can all use Ki Coaching
in their profession. I should also mention that I teach in
such a way that each person discovers his or her own style of
coaching. I help them to make Ki Coaching their own.
What do
people fear about coaching?
I’ve come
across a few concerns people have about coaching. First, some
people feel it makes them look incompetent, otherwise why do
they need pay someone for their success? Those people need to
be reminded that all our champions have coaches.
Second,
they worry about the cost. With a good coach, the client
should see value right away. It should be readily apparent.
And consider that if a coach successfully helps us to map our
life’s purpose and gives us a few good strategies for getting
there, perhaps shakes us loose from some things that were
keeping us back, then the benefit is lifelong. That’s
definitely worth the cost and the time for the sessions. A
good coach is worth much more than his fee. You may even feel
that you can never really repay him for the breakthroughs he
caused you.
Third,
people fear that a coach will hook them forever. This can
happen. It could be the coach’s lack of scruples, or it could
be the client wants a crutch. The coach should be able to pry
the client out of needing a crutch. As for the coach hooking
you indefinitely, you should be alert to see if the coach
keeps finding new ways to keep you coming back. That would be
a red flag. That’s why it’s important to work out in the very
first session what would be the goal of your coaching. When
the goal is achieved, coaching is over. If you require
coaching again, it should be for a new goal you have set for
yourself, not the coach’s goal for you. Throughout, you must
feel that the choice to continue or to quit is in your hands.
Another
fear is that people feel their ideas are not clear enough. I
hear fairly often, “I need coaching, but first I have to
figure out what I want to do.” People don’t realize this is
one of the main things to go to a coach for, to get help
figuring out what you want out of your life, and to get
clarity and focus. If you had clarity, and equally important,
if you were acting on your goals consistently, coaching would
not be necessary at all. The reality is that life is
complicated; it helps to have someone in our corner, helping
us sort the data.
I hear
you saying it’s not enough to know where you want to go, but
you must be working on your goal, if not you should get
coaching. Does that sound right?
You must
be in action on your dreams. This is the only real secret to
success. An object in motion tends to stay in motion. An
object at rest tends to stay at rest. Coaching helps us to
stay in motion, working towards our goal. And coaching should
make that effort a mostly enjoyable experience. When you have
the mission that is one with your heart, being in action makes
you feel alive. If you are not feeling that, it means the
whole idea of your mission needs an overhaul. Needs to be
re-examined from top to bottom.
So,
defining our mission or dream and our focus and going into
action, a good life coach helps us with all these or any
combination of them?
Yes, that
would sum it up.
I
imagine that there is a client/coach confidentiality code
similar to that between lawyer and client or therapist and
client, right?
Definitely. Confidentiality is a vital part of the profession.
What
are some issues people have sought you for?
As
mentioned before, someone finds himself unable to stay in
action on his goal even though he has started for it before.
Perhaps started many times before, so I coach him to get
clarity and get on track again. I have had people come to me
because of problems working with a partner in business or a
co-worker or the boss. One of the most popular reasons, the
person wants help answering the question “What do I want to do
when I grow up?” And actually living from it. It could be
something simple, too, like wanting to have better balance in
their lives, between work and family, for example. Or it could
be a case where things are going quite well, and the client
wants coaching to take it to the next level, to a new peak of
excellence and fulfillment.
Without
transgressing confidentiality, could you give some specifics?
I had a
client who wanted desperately to leave his high-paying
corporate job, travel the world and make a living that way.
He was anxious, not knowing how it would work out. I suggested
he take a leave of absence from work, travel for awhile and
see if he could make an income from it, get up enough momentum
to go all the way. He did. He found out that while he wanted
to travel he preferred to keep his corporate income. So he
found a satisfactory compromise: Keep his corporate job and
make more time for travel. He was very pleased with this
outcome. You see, in coaching, the initial goal we set is not
always what’s attained. We discover sometimes a new
consideration along the way; but the final outcome is always
more fulfilling.
I had a
client who was a tradesman, in business for himself, married
for 20 years, but so laid back he was grossing about 500 a
month. His marriage was going down the hole, I should mention,
although I was not coaching him about how to save his
marriage. He came to me about how to build his business. We
turned it around inside of four months. He became much more
productive and quadrupled his income. He was a changed man. I
haven’t checked, but I can imagine this man kept increasing
his gross for some months before he leveled off. He also
turned around his marriage He called me to say “My wife told
me that I’m now the man that she thought she had married 20
years ago.”
Another
client, a very intelligent executive, used his superior
intellect and his position to intimidate people, get them to
do what he wanted. He denied that such was the case and that
his lack of interpersonal skills was where he was stuck. After
I gained his trust, I asked him to imagine that he was a
person who conned, intimidated, and manipulated people to do
his will. How would he achieve that? This client discovered
that what he thought was his leadership was just conning and
intimidating and manipulating people. This opened him up to
finding ways to deal in a more principled way.
One client
had a successful business but she hadn't had a date in four
years. She came to me wanting both her business and her
personal life to go to a new level. We got to the core of what
her life was about and created a mission that had room for
both a successful business and fulfilling relationship. Her
business grew and an old friend finally asked her out on a
date and they are still dating. Her verdict was “I've
discovered how to enjoy the beauty and the power of being a
woman.”
It must
be stimulating to you to have to deal with such a variety of
situations.
Oh, yes.
The range and variety of issues that I get to deal with is one
of the pleasures of my work. I truly love what I do and am
living my own mission in life doing it. It never becomes
mechanical, rote, routine.
We
talked about value for the client, I want to bring it up again
from a different angle. How do I get the most for my money
from the coaching experience?
Every coach is not for every kind of
person. Just as a coach will interview a prospective client to
see if he or she wants to take on the job, the client must
also interview a prospective coach to see if they “connect”.
It’s not enough to like the coach’s personality. You have to
see if he or she offers the tools and manner you need. Perhaps
the coach is animated, excitable and yells, and this may not
be inspiring to you. On the other hand, perhaps the coach is
too sedate, reserved, and doesn’t come across as sufficiently
involved with you. The communication style must be inspiring,
motivating to you, or you will not act on the coach’s advice,
and without action, there cannot be movement. So talk to the
coach. Ask questions. If possible, take the introductory free
session, or request one even if it is not offered. The client
must get the measure of the coach. The question to ask
yourself about this coach is: would this person be an
effective catalyst for my life?
Since I
mentioned acting on the coach’s advice, let me add that a
client should never agree to any course of action that she
does not intend to do. It is better to speak up and if need
be, renegotiate with your coach for another course of action.
The key thing is to have a plan of action. This is another
difference between therapy and coaching. In therapy we don’t
necessarily have a committed course of action at the end of
each session. In coaching, if it is the real thing, there is
always a commitment to a particular plan of action until the
next session. The client
must learn to take
action on his or her dreams. Even if there are mistakes.
Mistakes can be very valuable. They teach us what does not
work.
Other
pointers for the client?
It’s a
good idea for the client to make some notes of points and
questions important to bring up during the session.
Especially, note what you want to accomplish in the session.
This helps to keep the session focused on your issues and
benefits.
Another
thing the client must share is if he or she feels there isn’t
any forward movement in the coaching. Granted the momentum
will not be always at the same speed, but there must be a
sense of progress, sense of forward momentum. If there is
stagnation, real or imagined, this needs to be addressed.
Suppose
I’m not feeling very satisfied with the coach, how much time
do you consider reasonable before I change coaches?
Of course,
if it’s not working you don’t want to lose too much valuable
time and money. On the other hand, you don’t want to be too
hasty. Perhaps the next coach will be a marked improvement,
perhaps not. I would say don’t rush to judgment, give it at
least 2-3 sessions. And discuss it with your coach as well,
perhaps the coach needs your feedback to realize how to be
more effective. There is no harm in the coach learning from
the client, even as the client is getting so much from the
coach.
I think
I know the answer to this, but I’d like to hear your version,
what’s the difference between coaching and consulting, in
business?
A firm
calls in a consultant to get advice how to streamline
operations. A consultant observes the operations and gives a
list of recommendations and moves on to the next consulting
job. The advice may work, or not. The consultant is not
usually involved in the ongoing trial and error to find out
what really works in your company. And even if the advice
works out, this does not result necessarily in you as a person
moving to a higher level of personal excellence and
fulfillment. It does not result in you touching the edge of
extra-ordinary, which is your very life’s purpose and which is
within you, but that’s what a coach is all about. A coach
works with you to discover and bring out your gifts and your
personal best and achieve your dream. The measure of
satisfaction you get from being extra ordinary in your calling
has no comparison from the consulting side. Your coach is your
accountable partner throughout, continually making an
objective assessment, looking for room for improvement.
But we
know that consulting is all about enhancing the bottom line.
In a small business, say, how does coaching increase
profitability?
That’s a
good question. A good coach will teach you that your main
product is you Therefore, along with bringing you to your peak
performance, your coach will help you to brand yourself in the
most effective way. Having a coach means investing in, your
main product—yourself. If the coach and client work together
like they should, this surely leads to profitability and job
satisfaction. What’s more, all that you develop from coaching
is transferable. It is part of who you are. It goes with you
wherever you go.
A
consultant will tell you where to fish, what rod and line and
lure is best for the kind of fish you want to catch, and so
on, but a coach is all about bringing out the fisherman inside
you, and training him to be an expert. Ultimately, you learn
to fish in all kinds of conditions.
Say I’m
in real estate and I’m right on target with my year-end goals,
I’m shaping up to be a success, should I consider getting a
coach.
On
the principle that there is always room for improvement, yes,
you should. I welcome every challenge to help an already
successful person take it to another level. Think of it like
an athlete who strives to break his own record. The coach is
right in there helping that champion to give all he’s got,
reaching new level of extra-ordinary. That’s exactly what I
mean when I talk about being fully engaged in our lives. Never
mind competing against others; compete against yourself, keep
raising the bar, and let your coach play a vital role in that
process.
Okay,
so tell me, what’s your own fulfillment dream, what do you
want your own life to be about?
My
fulfillment is that I have touched people’s lives and helped
in some way to get them to live a life that they love. My life
is about helping people to live lives they feel proud off.
When they look back, they don’t feel, “Holy sheetrock, my life
is over and I didn’t do anything but eat and sleep, have some
kids, and pay the @#*%**# bills!”
Erich
Fromm talks about living in the being or the having modes.
Although most people are culturally trained to live in the
grasping, having mode, being mode people live more creative
and productive and more satisfying lives. I hear you saying
pretty much the same thing.
Yes,
creative, productive lives. That should be the standard for
normalcy, but it is so rare, we see those people as
extraordinary, and the mass of people, who are not in touch
with their purpose in life are “normal.” But I can’t
complain, because it allows me to live my calling, my mission.
My life is about helping people find fulfillment though living
their own creative and productive lives, or “living lives they
love.” My idea is that when someone is on the deathbed, and
reflects on the life they lived, they are moved to tears,
overwhelmed at the fulfillment.
Let’s
talk about a coach’s skills. There must be some degree of
primary and secondary skills that a good life or business
coach should have, what would you say are some of the primary
ones?
I consider
that the number one skill is the perspective that the coach is
listening from. As well as being fully present during the
session, and listening with focused attention This kind of
listening is not just listening to what’s being said, but
listening to what is not being said, also. Listening to the
tones of voice, to the cadences, to the emotion, or the lack
of emotion, in the voice. And very, very important, is
listening without judgment. It’s not enough that the coach’s
face appears non-judgmental. The coach must really be
non-judgmental. Psychologically, the life coach cannot put
himself above the client They must meet on an equal
footing, as two human beings, except that one is a
professional, a life coach. There to help, not to judge. This
brings in the element of compassion. The term I like to use
is “relentless compassion.” This kind of compassion is
possible when the coach really believes that he or she could
have been that client, too. He or she could have said or done
the same thing, made the same transgressions and errors of
judgment.
Can you
elaborate on that, relentless compassion?
It means
unconditional and unlimited empathy for the client and the
trials in his or her life. It means that as a coach I must
open myself up to this human being and allow him or her to
open themselves up in response to me. This is the way for me,
as a coach, to get in touch with this person on a level that
does not ordinarily happen in day to day life. But for me to
bring out the best in this person, you see, it is necessary
for me to get close to them. If I cause them to cringe, or
shrink back on themselves, or shut down to me, even slightly,
then I cannot do my best for them. I cannot perceive and
connect fully with the authentic person, and to that extent I
cannot bring him or her out in the fullest way possible.
This kind
of listening takes compassion and empathy for the person. If I
moralize or judge, the process is compromised. I cannot take
that role. I must feel relentless compassion for this person,
who may well have gifts to give to the world, for all I know.
So my task is to help this person become proactive about
giving those gifts with conviction and pleasure, be those
gifts big or small. When I see a person find his or her
calling, find his or her fulfillment, that is my fulfillment
in my calling
So, two
important skills a coach must have are a capacity for
non-judgmental, active listening, and relentless compassion.
What else?
A very
important ability a good coach must have is that in order to
get results he or she must have the courage to go into
uncomfortable areas if the need arises. Remember, the task is
to bring out the best in that client, who is paying money and
is taking time to work with you, so you have to be willing to
do whatever it takes to hold up your end of the agreement.
This is not always so easy. Sometimes it calls for delving
into very sensitive feelings or secret thoughts and deeds that
the client is hoping to avoid. The coach must be willing to
open those areas and lay them bare before the client, if
that’s what’s in the clients best interest for achieving the
stated goals of coaching. This must be done with compassion,
of course, but even so, a client may resent the operation, may
resent being vulnerable before the coach. The client may be
embarrassed. Probably more significant, the client may resent
having to face these things that were formally repressed
somewhere in his or her psyche. Sometimes a client hates
herself for her shortcomings and will hate the person who
makes it come to the surface; therefore a coach must have the
courage to go into these places, if it is somehow a roadblock
to the client’s forward momentum. This is also part of
relentless compassion. The coach's job is to create the space
for the client to find the courage to move forward.
The
other day we were talking and you explained to me the meaning
of the tilted triangle you use for your logo or symbol. You
described the three points of your triangle, your sequence of
Being, Doing, and Achieving. Could you run it by me again?
In
nutshell, people assume they have to achieve something to be
someone. For instance, I may believe I need to become CEO of
my company. This is considered a good thing. I have ambition,
right?
Yes.
But in
reality, what it means is that for me to be somebody, I have
to be a CEO. But that’s just a title connected to my name.
It’s not a state of being. It’s not who I am. And so when I
finally get this post, after the initial satisfaction, I feel
like no one again. When you get coached, in terms of my
triangle. The first goal is to establish being—who you are at
the core. We get rid of the idea that you have to do
something, then achieve something, then you have an identity,
then you can be.
So, how
would you do that with the aspiring CEO?
I get him
to understand that wanting to be a CEO means he really wants
is to be a leader. And he can be a leader today. He can be a
leader even if he never becomes CEO. Maybe someone else in the
company wants it just as much or more than him. So if he does
not get CEO, is he a failure?
That’s
the usual way of the world, isn’t it?
If he got
my coaching he will be a leader long before CEO and long after
as well. My Aikido master used to say that no one can be a
great leader unless first a great follower. So this future CEO
would be encouraged to develop his leadership by following in
his current position. That’s why instead of the normal
sequence, doing, achieving, then being, my approach is know
thy self, then do, then achieve.
Nice.
Okay, now hit me with a non-business example of the being,
then doing, then achieving sequence.
Well, a
very realistic example is the person who is creating art,
really enjoys creating art, but is somehow blocked to saying,
“I’m an artist.” Perhaps thinking I’ll do, then achieve, then
I’ll be an artist, perhaps when the world recognizes me and
feeds that back. Somehow that person comes to me for coaching.
Once I’m able to single out the person’s purpose, then I work
with her to get her to let in the idea that she is an artist.
But
Martin, that does not sound so remarkable. I can’t see a lot
of people wanting to be coached so they can say, I’m an
artist, I’m a writer, I’m a cook, or whatever.
I see your
point, but you told me it took you years to accept that you
were a writer and could do it professionally. So imagine
someone really stuck in the doing, achieving, being sequence.
It is very liberating to this person to rearrange it into
being, doing, achieving, wouldn’t you agree?
I can
see how it frees them creatively.
Yes, it
does. If you were conflicted about how much time to put into
writing versus delivering mail, you now know your priorities.
So being, then doing, then achieving. Being means that
whatever you are doing, it’s coming from the core of you, not
an imposition from outside. Not my agenda for you, or some
other person’s. It’s about who you are, getting in touch with
that person, letting him out. Gifting it to the world, really.
Tell
me, then, what do you consider your unique skills as a coach,
your gift? What do you believe sets you apart from the
majority in the coaching field?
Two things
we have already discussed under primary skills of a coach,
that’s the ability for non-judgmental listening and the
practice of relentless compassion. Over the years, my clients
have often mentioned these two as my strong point. A number of
those people had other coaches before me, so I’m inclined to
accept their feedback. They have also said that they got
results faster when working with me. Some have told me that
they find I work on a deeper level than they have experienced
with other coaches. I attribute this to the same two skills,
listening without judging and relentless compassion.
Anything else?
There are
a couple of things no client has ever pointed out, but I
consider them major strengths that I have as a coach. I have a
definite knack for working within the clients reality. By that
I mean that I have an adaptable or flexible approach. I have
a system or procedure, of course, but it is not set in stone.
The client sets the pace. I adapt myself accordingly. If
things become stuck, however, I don’t hesitate to jump in and
get it moving again.
The other
thing I consider my major strength that sets me apart is that
I don’t coach my clients to make them reasonable. I help them
to become unreasonable.
I have
hear you say that before. Could you explain what you mean,
because it sounds like you encourage people to be irrational?
I mean
“unreasonable” in a very specific context, in the sense that
George Bernard Shaw used it when he said, “The
reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable
one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
“ If I coach you to be reasonable, essentially I’m helping
you to adapt and adjust yourself to your circumstances. In
other words, I’m helping to you remain just were you are; but
you’ve come to me to get my support in achieving a goal,
perhaps your ultimate dream in life. This means the world has
to adapt itself to you; and your progress depends on you
becoming unreasonable in the sense that Shaw points out. As a
life coach, I’m acutely aware of this and consider it one of
my unique strengths.
I find
this very interesting, the way you express it. Care to expand
on it?
I consider
it one of my major strengths in coaching that I support my
clients to live a unique and individual life, as opposed to
encouraging conformity to “reasonable” expectations of what
they should and can do. At the same time, they don’t just
become rebels. I help them to be unreasonable in a way that
respects and honors the people in their lives and around them.
This
brings back the sports coach metaphor. The coach will often
see that you can do more than you think yourself capable of,
able to run faster or jump higher than your own expectations.
Yes. And
his task is to bring all this out of you. His job is to push
you beyond your self-induced limits. He has to be
“unreasonable” with you. And if he is effective, he will make
you unreasonable too. “Progress depends on the unreasonable
man.”
Would
you agree that just as you coach people to develop their
strengths to the fullest and to discover their purpose or
calling, similarly being a life coach is your own chief
strength and chief calling?
Absolutely. B. B. King would play the blues whether he got
rich and famous or barely making it. Coaching is like that for
me. Of course I want to make a decent living by doing it, and
if I got as rich as Oprah, that would be okay too. It means I
can do even more to help people live lives they love. And for
me that’s the real payoff. I often say that I’ve been a coach
for the last ten years, but actually, I have been coaching
people for years before that. Motivating them. Encouraging
them. Getting them to focus on their dreams, whatever that may
be. It has always been natural for me to do that and doing so
has always been a source of fulfillment for me. Yes, I have to
coach. In a world were the "reasonable" path is to "get by"
and "hang in there," my mission is to help people live
"unreasonable" extraordinary lives.
What do
you want your clients to be left with?
To be
engaged fully with his or her life, in action on their goals,
and enjoying the journey. I want them to be fulfilled by the
gift of their own life.
Martin Brossman
is a Life and Business Coach and can be
reached at (919) 847-4757 or e-mail
Martin@CoachingSupport.com . Conrad Joseph is a
freelance writer and editor. He can be reached at (919)
465-5993 or
clsj53@hotmail.com
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